On the Beach

Just spent half an hour on the phone to my mother in the UK as she advances, one frame at a time, through her tape of the GMTV Christmas broadcast from Perth. There's a chance she might spot us, somewhere in the crowd of Brits in bikinis and replica England strips, but it's a small one.

My wife and I split up, taking a child each, hoping to double our chances of getting on camera, but it was a constant struggle to remain visible as courteous types shoved in front of us or, seconds before the cameras started to roll, unfurled banners like galleon sails, obscuring everyone standing behind them for half a mile.

If you fancy your chances at detecting us, Where's Wally-style, try this link. The broadcasts from New Zealand and Sydney are up, I don't imagine it'll be long before Perth gets uploaded. Anyone who spots us, leave a comment here - but I'm betting there won't be many.

Anyway, things I've learned for next time:

• If there's a heavily pregnant woman in a bikini, stand next to her. My mum reported that the baby-carrying bathing beauty stood out a mile. So to speak.
• Get there late. After four hours of standing in the sun, baking to death while the camera crew await the go-ahead to link to the UK, people were dropping out at a rate of knots. My wife was standing at the water's edge when we were informed the next link was on the way. By the time it actually happened, the tide had come in so far she was up to her knees. And my wife's not short.
• Planning on taking a banner along? Writing the names or locations of the people whose attention you're hoping to catch on it? Amateurs! Instead, emblazon it with the name of the TV programme doing the filming, as big as you possibly can. That way you'll find yourself prominently positioned in every frame ...